spaceoasis: (Default)
Finally got into LA at 2 yesterday. First thing when I come back is Steven from his prone position on the couch asking me if I were hungry, "I have money now! I can buy food for you!" I wonder if it was a test from the universe that I failed because I said sure, I'm hungry. We went to Xiao Mei, a newly opened one on Las Tunas and bought some food to go. I wavered in my choices and decided to go back up with soy bean curds and veggies, the first of which was extremely spicy and the second too watery. Next time, I'm going for the curry chicken. I ate while watching my brother play Starcraft II and Grand Theft Auto, which I had a try at on a boat mission and drug distribution mission. Growing increasingly restless, I texted Nikki to see if she wanted to watch Black Swan. I haven't seen friends in four days, not since hiking with Peter on Wednesday, which was a great day overall-- got plenty done, goal-wise. During dinner I chatted with Matt on facebook after helping my mom scan a few documents, called my dad to let him know I was back in the area, then I was off to Echo Park to see So Many Wizards who played with Fantastica Bastidas, Voice on Tape and Michael Nhat.

Since I got there half an hour before everyone else, I made myself comfortable by walking around, smiling at people, checking out the art and lining up for the restroom. I spotted Omer, who I recognized from Rainbow House and eventually introduced myself to him after So Many Wizards finished their set, and he introduced me to Heather. Shortly after, David Szucz arrived and I gave him a big hug. We walked back to where Omer and Heather were standing under a cover to avoid the sprinkling rain and he filled me in on Nikki and David's current fight. I saw them standing together under a multi-colored umbrella immersed in conversation. David and I went inside as Fantastica Bastidas started. They were hard, fast and the vocals were raw, coarse, lots of energy but the whole room was full. Girls wearing big framed glasses with long curly hair, guys dressed in well-fitting jeans, some sporting leather jackets. One of the guys David Szucz started talking to had orange pumpkins sewed onto his vest and a slight purple tinge remaining in his bushy hair who was from Maine. Many girls were wearing vivid red lipstick, but only those pale enough to pull it off. Apparently David Porrecca, who came in for a while but spent most of the time outside, commented that everybody should exchange clothes.

David and I listened to the music, trying to dance a little. Ryan finally arrived and we stood outside in front of a shop door that was hooded from the rain and talked softly with one another. It was mesmerizing and I felt received, so I remained gentle in my speech. David going swimming in the Polliwag, sugar and lollipops, the topic didn't matter as much as the glances and smiles exchanged. Back inside, Ryan said to me with wide eyes that he felt this connection to me and proceeded to act dreamily, drifting about. Nikki and David came inside though they missed So Many Wizards and he looked very chipper in his enthusiasm and sharp with his freshly shaved mustache. Nikki however looked like she'd been crying and wasn't having a good day, or week. Before leaving we talked with Lou, the man behind Voice on Tape, and Erik, the drummer for So Many Wizards. Then after a short bit driving about lost, found the 101 North heading to Ryan's house. David Szucz came in my car and with his hand on my thigh we talked about seed banks, the change in consciousness, possibly mass starvation and revolution, our history of initiating wars and communications with family. We parked on Chase and Ryan's roommate let us in just seconds before Ryan himself arrived. I lighted the pilot for the heater; it was sexy to see him fix something.

When Venus conjuncted my Sun/Moon midpoint at midnight, we curled up on the couch and he told me that last weekend we saw Neema he had wanted to cuddle with me soo bad, as did I, but we'd both gotten paranoid/awkward after smoking. We cuddled now and I felt so comfortable on his shoulder I practically drifted into a dream. Nikki and David came in after a short stint in Hollywood trying to find Omer. Nikki looked even more frustrated and David more dissatisfied and restless. He was going to return to Santa Barbara by himself by train tomorrow morning. It was toxic. David and I joked around a bit, and I asked him to climb Mt. Rainier with me and he agreed, but it was slightly off-putting to me to be intimate next to a couple that were clearly going through problems, but he's an exhibitionist of types. We eventually took a cigarette break at my car. Somehow, it was 5:30 when we got to sleep. He used to be a chubby kid, I was surprised. I told him briefly about starving, and of my family.

I had awful dreams. [Probably due to Moon squaring Sun at 4:44 AM that night.] My body was in pain when I woke up because the short couch was wide but had no leg room and my uterus was cramped from my cervix being agitated. I dreamed of demeaning sex, half-awake fears mainly, and my last full dream when I actually fell asleep after I spread out over the length of the couch was that David was hinting I should leave the apartment. I woke up so relieved, not in a while had a dream been so realistic, and his head was gone from the side of mine. I joined them and Ryan's friend, a tall, pale friendly Asian (probably Korean) who smokes weed, in his room. Amazing I thought, an Asian. Then again both Ryan and David are also bilingual and have communication barriers with their moms. Amazing how similar we as people could be. I had a talk with Ryan about relationships with mothers, missing fathers, raising children. The other roommate joined us too to smoke, a rather large fellow wearing a red sweatshirt. We left to get tacos at a Mexican Donut spot, then around 4:30PM, left for LA. My phone ran out of battery and it took me forever to find the entrance to 101 South, and then over an hour on the crowded, jammed freeway. My shoulders were sore, but I took a bath and drank a lot of water. Now I'm off to buy some snickerdoodle cookies then sleep!
spaceoasis: (Default)
Trying to catch the Movers and Shakers group at the Montecito church to hike McNenemy Trail, I drove around Hot Springs Rd and Mountain Rd but was late by a minute-- I think I saw their car. Since I had already driven to Montecito and was all prepared for a hike, I figured why not give Cold Spring Canyon yet another go and this time find Tangerine Falls. There were many cars there already when I got there at 1 but I only encountered two people on the trail. I walked confidently through the first half mile or so, already breaking a sweat because it was such a warm day in December. I had my backpack but only to carry my keys, phone, water and tobacco. Going up the east side of the trail, I crossed into West Fork and continued right when I came upon the fork-- the one on which the last time I had taken a left which led to a rockslide climb. This one curved up the sides of the mountains, breaking out from the shade of the wooded areas into the sun. The trail was narrow, averaging a foot wide. Some parts were slippery with loose, red rocks. The valley with the creek was on the right, and the mountain side was sparse with ferns, bushes, isolated trees. I paused a couple of times to take in the view and catch my breath and in about 40 minutes arrived at a blockage of boulders that formed a wall across the canyon. It was a breathtaking view of the ocean and Montecito below, though the very west end of the coast wasn't visible. From there the trail turned sharply to the left down into the wooded areas again. Here I entered complete shade, the sun filtered through dense forest. The trail was covered with yellow leaves, at times disappearing under them completely so that it had to be followed by the indentation of the land, and it crossed several times over the creek, which now had pools large enough to bathe in. This part of the trail was desolate, a wall of rock apart from the entrance of the canyon, and thus mushrooms grew undisturbed, parts of the river bed had eroded to expose roots of tree precariously half-balanced on land and half in air. The wind came into a roar as the hollow of the area magnified its approach. However, I did see several trees with their limbs cut, so this trail must have been maintained at some point. Following it wasn't hard, but it had the perturbing look of a trail that leads nowhere but further from civilization. It emerged into the sun again in a clearing where flat rocks had been arranged into three walls surrounding maybe a foot and a half squared feet (turns out to be an old root cellar from a homestead from the late 1800s!). I guess it was constructed to block the wind from a fire. A toppled tree trunk served as a bench and I sat here to smoke tobacco. I noticed two yellow rope ties holding back tree branches and felt a stirring relief that I wasn't alone. The one other path headed down towards the creek into a large, shaded clearing, beyond that, the trees grew thicker and the trail disappeared, unwalked or perhaps just yet unfinished. Feeling a slight modicum of worry from the memory of darting over boulders as the sun set and the woods became dark and submerged like the sea, I decided to head back. Back at the rocks on a high boulder that jutted forwards, I saw a man with white hair standing perched, gazing south. I yelled out, "Hi! Do you know if this is Tangerine Falls?" It wasn't, there had been another fork somewhere earlier, and Tangerine Falls was the right side. I climbed onto the rocks where he had been but didn't stay long to admire the view. The hike down the side of the mountain was rather difficult, the rocks would slip and I'd fall back, catching myself on my hands and feet a few times. As the trail was only about a foot wide at places and the steep mountain ran along down, I fought the urge to haphazardly but quickly slide while sitting down. After only a few slips here and there, I was back on sturdy, packed dirt and headed back towards my car, wondering where I had just come from.

After returning home, I make some chicken with curry and rice, and watch Mi Vida Loca until Nikki and David arrive. We have a pleasant time with wine, cheese and fruit watching Indiana Jones. David starts jonesing to go to Biko, he's fidgeting and rather quiet as Nikki and I enjoy a comfortable conversation. With David itching to leave but Blow being on the TV, Nikki asks if I was going to go with them to IV. She's going to hang out with David Szucz, she says and I get rather excited. Instead, I suggest we pick up David and go to the hot springs in Ojai.

It was perhaps 9 when we left my house, all three of us completely excited. We pick up David as his apt where his roommates are preparing to go get drunk, pile into Nikki's car and head off on the 101 South. Szucz's head is on my lap, and I'm still gaily talking with David and Nikki, sharing information and stories. We finally park along the road an hour later, walk a short distance to the hotsprings, where to our delight, we see nobody. We set the flashlight up and I get in first. Not before long, we're drinking the wine and smoking the joint, another group of people have joined us and were singing in one of the smaller but warmer pools. And then, two men with the Navy, a couple, and several others joined us in the large pool. Candles replaced the garish flashlight, we talked about hot springs, Burning Man, the stars lit up the water. Szucz and I were enshrouded in each other's warmth as our toes touched and legs curled around each other. Shooting stars were abound, and we watched Orion move across the sky as we searched for the Seven Sisters and the Big Dipper. We took a quick dip in the creek just adjacent to the springs, and I screamed in delight and shock of the cold, and jumped back into the warmth. David had his arms out to me. The candles blew out as the wind increased but the others faded away as my attention became entirely focused on him. Eventually as people came and went, I was lying down on a rock by the side and with David dipping his head on my chest and his arms holding the back of my head, talked about writing and family.

Eventually at 3:20 AM, we got up and left, piled back into Nikki's car for a jerky ride down into Carpinteria listening to Muse's Absolution on the way. Sleepy and perhaps upset, Nikki passed out on the couch shortly after arriving at my house, David Szucz burrowed into my bed to get warm, so David Porrecca and I made some pasta and tea. I joined Szucz and we opted out of the shower. The next morning, I wake him with urgent kisses. We remain in bed for another 2 hours. Nikki knocks and comes in, she's upset over her boyfriend and we listen to blues. While Porrecca reads a poem aloud by Bukowski, Szucz teases me underneath the sheets. They go back into the living room to get ready to leave, we make love yet again. He says goodbye but as he kisses me, I hear: I'll be back.
spaceoasis: (Default)
There is no certainty, only a price
Sometimes too steep, I will not play

Understandably you have your fears
but I am here to soothe your pain

My pain gives me strength,
temptations I can resist.

I tempt you into nothing that
you are not already seeking.

I am satisfied in my daily life
I need nothing more than this.

Lies, you are angry and alone,
afraid to taste your own desire.

I desire only my peace of mind
and never to feel hurt again.

You live, you die. You will love
and you will hurt and be hurt again.

I could never release my heart
for anybody's amusement.

No farce, no games, readily my heart
seeks out yours to comfort and soothe.

Only then can your own wounds close
after comforting another worse than you?

Indeed my own heart is broken too
and through healing you, I seek fulfillment.

I do not want your comfort,
do not pressure me to change.

It is the one thing we can do for each other
why stay in all that pain?

My suffering is who I am,
without it I am naught.

I am nothing compared to your pain,
but I wish to show you something new.

But there is nothing else for me.
Even you will not be lasting.

I cannot satisfy all of you forever
only now can I promise any love.

This is all for your amusement,
games of love and not devotion!

It is the only thing that soothes my grief
at having loved and lost so young.

You have never loved since then
only have you gone through the motions.

You care for nobody but yourself
your pain insulates you from mine.

Right, I care not for you and your games
I seek a wife and not a lover.

I would never promise my future
to one so cowardly in the face of another.

Do not call me coward,
or mock me my decisions!

You are only fooling yourself
if you think yourself better alone.

I can do much better than you,
find somebody truly devoted.

You will find one reliant on you
simpering and delicate to be your fool.

That is what you want me to be to you!
So then you can feel needed and fulfilled.

Yes the only thing that soothes my pain
is the swoon of losing myself to you.

That is not far from the truth,
you are an addict to love.

Lack of love feeds my pain
is it so dishonorable to want joy?

I am just another shell to you,
I will bring you no joy in the end.

Let me bring you joy
deep from my untouched resevoirs.

Bringing you joy will fulfill me
and I will no longer suffer.

on cheated

Oct. 3rd, 2010 10:42 pm
spaceoasis: (Default)
downcast and suppressed, my words cannot attest to how much I need love right now. how my body longs to make contact with another's: preferably a girl's long, soft limbs which carry no threat of invasion, no philandering of the spirit. simple sensual comfort is all I want to feel tonight. I want to rest my head on her shoulder tonight as we lay ourselves carefully down on my bed. I'd like no words to be spoken, just soft breath coming easily.

it's no fun to be cheated on because suddenly everything you held sacred to yourself and another isn't so sacred anymore. It's like saving yourself to be thrown away. Someone grabbing YOUR glass of wine to throw it in your face. My fidelity and confidence have been scorn and my emotions run amuck as if they were puddles left over from a glorious rain that of yesterday. And you hold your chest high as the sky reflects off the sky you stand on, among your puddle of tears, the ground completely covered in illusion so you feel yourself unsteady in your feet. No shadows to hide beneath. Just another puddle of sweat and tears as you move forward, finding friends and laughs, but always feeling somewhat defeated, something of a beautifully wilted wallflower.

And then seeing you reveling in your stolen freedom, courting another woman and then turning around and calling her a kid girl. you're a boy, kid. go fuck yourself and stop hurting others in your expenditures of selfish, narrow, muddy desire. I know you for what you really are but ah your image of BLISS and FREEDOM I still cherish as what once "is" and no longer can be-- never will that crack in the mirror heal because reality has splintered been lovingly apart. thank you for breaking your own charm and now I hold onto a burning talisman of resentment. distrust courses in my veins as quickly as the dying seeing their lives and body falling apart, decaying, dis-eased and breaking but really I'm not so badly off. What I need isn't a shoulder to cry on, just one to lean on for warmth as I sit on a couch to conversate. I'm not looking for a full on hug or words of sympathy, just some warmth and touch to feel safely connected, the way it used to be with you.
spaceoasis: (Default)
The Gardenia

She shared
her joy with me:
A small gardenia
floating in glass.
The scent

she adored
and brought to my nose.
I drank deeply;
she was pleased.
At bikram yoga

to regain my breath,
I imagined
that gardenia;
its honest perfume.
I deserved joy.

Conflict

Sep. 29th, 2010 10:30 pm
spaceoasis: (Default)
Looking between her hands
she holds her baby girl.
the child's father is gone
she hadn't wanted to do this alone.

the girl grows up
given everything she hadn't wanted.
the child's father comes and goes
she watches him from the window.

the mother remarries
has a son with this new man.
the girl watches their family
wondering when her father will arrive.

she leaves for college
dates unavailable men
hurts herself over and over again
for failing to connect to her father.

the mother waits for her to return
so that she can take her under her wing again
but the girl stays out late
playing lonely games.

The Beach

Sep. 29th, 2010 10:28 pm
spaceoasis: (Default)
The Beach

Lying on my back
my face to the side
I see the curve of the world:
the sky, a dome above
the earth, a globe below.

The sun is felt by its presence
the ocean, vast in her breath
and there is nothing between them.
As beings we sail where they meet
then retreat into the ground swimming.

We are as birds just landing from flight
and our minds, kelp washed ashore,
our feelings as gentle as the sand.
It is so soft as it yields to touch,
how can it be just one thing?

How are there so many grains?
You will look forever if you wanted someone in the world just like you.
It means to move in the wind when you are a grain of sand.
A grain of sand must always be surrounded by others, many.
Else what keeps it from being all that is left from a star-- the beginning of another one?

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